Wednesday, February 27, 2013

No Talking Back

I wasn't "allowed" to talk back. I lived in silence for years unable to express my opinions or rationale for doing or not doing something. When I was told to shut up, it was in my best interest to do so because it was easier to be quiet than to deal with that would come next if I didn't keep quiet.
To this day, almost three years after getting out of that silence, I still have trouble expressing myself, my thoughts, my opinions, and even my like or dislikes.
I still get stomach sick when I "talk back" to him. I call it talking back because it's voicing my differing opinion even though he's told me to stop talking. The worse part is not knowing how he is going to respond. In the last email I received from him, he called me "selfish" and "manipulative" and told me not to contact him again. So, I didn't. Then I realized that he is still controlling me, and I am still letting him.
I did reply, last night. I was assertive, but not mean. I haven't heard back from him yet and my stomach is in knots because I don't know what he's going to say. I know that I shouldn't care, but I still have a certain level of fear... even though I know he can't punch me from 1,319.5 kms away.
I'm further ahead than I was and I still have distance to go, but I'm headed in the right direction - and that's always a good thing.


Kath said...

I understand what you are saying for years I would stay in contac with the man who had abused me even after I had moved on with another man who was wonderful to me ....I now realize I was seeking my abusers approval that I had moved on ...I just wanted him to say he was happy for me and I had did the right thing but I now know I don't need his approval for anything and for you to stay in touch with him is him still having control ...Just let go and know he will never change ...You deserve so much better

Spin said...

I really appreciate your comments today, Kath. It's still hard some days a day I avoid talking g to him as much as possible. But you are right, I do deserve better. Thank you!

Sophay Lavender said...

My name is Sophie Lavender and I'm a young filmmaker from Lincolnshire (UK) and I have created a video which shows how being abused feels. The video, which features audio of real abuse, was created with the intention of raising awareness of abuse. Hopefully viewers will be able to tell if they are being abused if they are able to relate to what is being shown. It would be an honor if this video was shared on your website or social media sites. I want to raise as much awareness as possible; abuse is being highlighted all over the world right now so it would be good to start doing as much as we can to stop abuse.

Here is a link to the video:

Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon,

Sophie Lavender