Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Two Sleeps

March 22nd, 2011

It is only 2 days until Custody Trial begins and I am totally freaked out. I have to testify... I have to face my abuser and tell all the things that he did to me and the kids.

You'd think I'd be mad at him for all the bad ways he treated us... the truth is, I'm not mad. I don't know if it's because I am still living with some kind of fear of him, or if I feel I share some of the responsibility for what happened by staying for so long, or what it is.

Let me clarify. I don't take any responsibility for HIS actions. I only take responsibility for my own. So, my actions were staying for 11 years and letting him hit me, swear at me, belittle me, blame me for everything, and coerce me to do whatever he wanted. I also watched him do the same things to our 2 children their whole lives. That leaves a lot of guilt and blame on me.

So, whatever the reason, I am afraid to face him. I want to be able to stand up there with confidence and proclaim from the depths of my being the injustices he put the kids and I through. I just don't feel the strength and nerve inside to do that...

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