Wednesday, February 27, 2013

No Talking Back

I wasn't "allowed" to talk back. I lived in silence for years unable to express my opinions or rationale for doing or not doing something. When I was told to shut up, it was in my best interest to do so because it was easier to be quiet than to deal with that would come next if I didn't keep quiet.
To this day, almost three years after getting out of that silence, I still have trouble expressing myself, my thoughts, my opinions, and even my like or dislikes.
I still get stomach sick when I "talk back" to him. I call it talking back because it's voicing my differing opinion even though he's told me to stop talking. The worse part is not knowing how he is going to respond. In the last email I received from him, he called me "selfish" and "manipulative" and told me not to contact him again. So, I didn't. Then I realized that he is still controlling me, and I am still letting him.
I did reply, last night. I was assertive, but not mean. I haven't heard back from him yet and my stomach is in knots because I don't know what he's going to say. I know that I shouldn't care, but I still have a certain level of fear... even though I know he can't punch me from 1,319.5 kms away.
I'm further ahead than I was and I still have distance to go, but I'm headed in the right direction - and that's always a good thing.