KJ 52 - Where Were You

Boy, this sure hits home - especially the beginning.  I couldn't listen to it the whole way through the first time.  Yeah, it still hurts.

The Kids

The kids do get the picture... and it sticks with them for a long time - perhaps for ever.     If I would have realized and been educated about the long -term affects the violence in our home was going to have on our children, I believe I would have left long before I did.  It's tough not to blame myself when my kids are violence towards each other and me.  It was engrained in their little minds from the time they were babies that hitting was okay.  After all, they saw Dad hit Mom enough times... and they got hit by Dad enough times... how could they think anything differently??  I realize that they didn't learn the behavior overnight, therefore they can't unlearn it overnight.  They now realize hitting is not okay, but it is still a reaction for them to hit.  It's difficult to replace that violent behavior with something else,, especially when that's all they've know for years.

Learn from someone who learned from experience - do whatever necessary so your kids don't witness violence or be exposed to it.  When you feel there's no one to help you through it, go serching for someone who will listen.  There are people who will help you.  Women's Shelters, Social Workers, and Police are great starting places.

Please, just do something.  The kids don't deserve this kind of exposure, and the effects on them last a long time.

Courage

It Takes Courage
--(Author Unknown)

It takes courage
To refrain from gossip, when others delight in it,
To stand up for the absent person, who is being abused.

It takes courage
To live honestly, within your means,
And not dishonestly, on the means of others.

It takes courage
To be a REAL man, or a TRUE woman,
To hold fast to your ideas,
When it causes you
To be looked upon as strange and peculiar.

It takes courage
To be talked about, and remain silent,
When a word would justify you, in the eyes of others,
But which you dare not speak,
Because it would injure another.

It takes courage
To refuse to do something that is wrong
Although everyone else may be doing it
With attitudes as carefree, as a summer song.

It takes courage
To live according to your own convictions,
To deny yourself, that which you cannot afford.
To love your neighbor - as yourself!

One Year Anniversary

It has now been one year since I was yelled at, hit, and belittled by the one who said he 'loved' me.  This is my first year in the past 12 that I have lived without walking on eggshells, afraid of doing something wrong, intense tension, and being forced to do things against my will. This past year has set new precedent, new dreams, new goals, and new freedoms for the rest of my life.

I will never go back to that old life and situation again.

I choose how my life goes.  I am responsible for me, and my children.  We are safe.  We are loved.  We are free.  I will do whatever I have to for those things to remain - safety, love and freedom.

It's hard to believe it's been a year.  I am such a different girl than I was 365 days ago.  My kids are different, too. 

Are things still messy? You bet.  Are we stronger because of it? Most definitely.

Thank God we are out... Not every woman and child makes it out.

If you are being abused, get support and get help.  You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.  YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Leaving Your Spouse because of Abuse

I am REALLY enjoying reading the posts on a website called Emotional Abuse and Your Faith. Check it out. It is definitely worth it.

Here is an excerpt from a post from December 2006:

"...some women stay because of guilt. They believe that their faith in Christ is the reason for their husband's abusiveness, so they think that staying is a cross they must bear—part of their suffering for Christ. They need to realize that there is an immense difference between being persecuted for the Lord and for righteousness' sake, and being physically or emotionally abused by a man who is a tyrant. Although, an unbelieving husband might use his wife's faith as an excuse for attacking her, that is not the real reason. Men who batter or consistently demean their wives are emotionally ill. The emotionally yoked wife who is being vilified by her husband does not have to submit to his tirades. God does not ask her to yield to outrageous attacks...

If there are children involved, the repercussions of living under such disparaging conditions can leave them with lifelong scars. Scripture teaches the importance of example. We are warned not to associate with fools, liars, fornicators, idolaters, blasphemers, or hot-tempered people, because if we do we will imitate their behavior. Statistics show that many parents who are child abusers and many men who batter their wives were themselves mistreated as children, or came from homes where one or both parents were abusive. Like begets like. Removing herself and her children from danger isn't selfish, isn't sinful, isn't unsubmissive—it's smart."

Like I said, GREAT information here. I feel like someone actually understands me. Wonderful feeling.

Face the Fear

In my last post I talked about fear. Just the thought of having that fear inside me made me angry enough to do something about it. Before I tell you what I did, I will tell you the reasons I have for being afraid to leave the house:

1. I'm safe at home. My abuser is not IN the house, but he is OUT of the house. I want to be wherever he is not.

2. I'm scared of him and what he may do. I think about what it was like living with him and having to walk on eggshells all the time. Why would I want to go out and walk on those again? I seriously don't know what he would do - he's capable of doing anything.

3. I don't want to see him. If I stay home, the chances are far less of me having to see him. Why don't I want to see him? Because of how I feel when I do. I feel fear of what he may do or say, I feel so much loss for things I haven't even begun to grieve yet, and I feel a deep, deep sadness that things had to go the way they did.

4. I'm watched when I'm out. There are people who drive by my house just to see if I'm home or what I am doing. There are a few people who report to him or his counterpart when I'm out, where I go and who I'm with. I feel like I am being stalked. If I stay home, I can't be watched.


All that being said, I decided to face my fear the other night. The children were out of town, so I decided to go for a walk, alone, at night. I haven't done that since our separation. I've been too scared to. So, I left home around 9:15pm. By the time I got 4 houses away, I was shaking and already wanting to burst into tears and run back home. I didn't. I was intensely aware of every sound, every noise... everything. I am the type that if I am going to face one fear, I am going to face more. So, not only did I walk alone, I walked by my abusers house, about 2 blocks from where I live. I wanted to run home, but I didn't. By the time I got to my preplanned destination (the Corner Store) I probably looked like I had seen a ghost. The guy working there was looking at me strange because he knew something was wrong. When I left the Corner Store, I faced another fear: I sat on the steps of the church building of people who have hurt me immensely through this whole ordeal. I haven't been in that building since the last Sunday I attended there, back in September. I found peace and release from the pain and hurt they caused.

I made it home safe and sound. I checked all around the house to make sure there were no intruders - all was fine.

Facing fears are hard to do. I don't say that the one walk will have conquered all my fear, but he has put a big dent it in. Just to get out and make myself face some things that were holding me back from freedom is a step in the right direction.

Every step, no matter how big or how small, is still a step. And, each one is important.

Fear

It is 11 months today since the separation... and I am still afraid. That's right, I am not over my fear yet. I am afraid to leave the house unless I am with someone, meeting someone, or going to an appointment. I have yet to leave the house alone, do what I need to do (like post office, bank, grocery store) alone, then go back home alone. If I don't have one of the above mentioned things to do with someone, then I will not leave the house.

So, why don't I want to leave the house?

I'll discuss the reasons in tomorrow's post.