3 Years and No More Counting

June 10th was the 3rd anniversary of my freedom. And, I've never felt better.

 

I graduated with honors from the Social Service Worker program in May of this year.  Since then, I packed up our house and moved us 1800kms to a new home - a new start, a new job, a new life.

 

I have officially left the past behind, physically and mentally.

 

I am stronger. Day by day I am getting my voice back. Day by day I am regaining my confidence. I had no idea just how depleted my confidence was until I moved here and started looking for, and going to interviews for jobs. I realized that I still have a low self esteem from the years of being called down to the dirt. But, I am working on it and becoming stronger every day.

 

I watched a sermon from Pastor Craig Groechsel yesterday and it began a life changing mind renewal for me. It is about feelings of inadequacy. I watched it twice and cried both times. It is a sermon that I want to watch every single day until I completely believe it.

 

You can find the sermon at http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/altar-ego/1. It is absolutely worth watching.

 

Getting out of an abusive relationship, finding healing for self and children and moving on to a new life is a lot of work. It has taken me until this very moment to be able to say, it was a courageous move and I am a strong woman.

 

I will not count any more years since leaving. Starting this month, I have began to count the years that I have started this new life with my children. For the first time ever, I can actually say that I am proud of myself.

No Talking Back

I wasn't "allowed" to talk back. I lived in silence for years unable to express my opinions or rationale for doing or not doing something. When I was told to shut up, it was in my best interest to do so because it was easier to be quiet than to deal with that would come next if I didn't keep quiet.

 

To this day, almost three years after getting out of that silence, I still have trouble expressing myself, my thoughts, my opinions, and even my like or dislikes.

 

I still get stomach sick when I "talk back" to him. I call it talking back because it's voicing my differing opinion even though he's told me to stop talking. The worse part is not knowing how he is going to respond. In the last email I received from him, he called me "selfish" and "manipulative" and told me not to contact him again. So, I didn't. Then I realized that he is still controlling me, and I am still letting him.

 

I did reply, last night. I was assertive, but not mean. I haven't heard back from him yet and my stomach is in knots because I don't know what he's going to say. I know that I shouldn't care, but I still have a certain level of fear... even though I know he can't punch me from 1,319.5 kms away.

 

I'm further ahead than I was and I still have distance to go, but I'm headed in the right direction - and that's always a good thing.

No More Singing

I had a revelation when I was driving the other day and it completely turned my world around...

 

Ever since I got away from my abusive spouse, I sang songs that I identfied with about the situation I found myself in. It started with the song, "According to You" with a girl singing to her ex about how mean he used to be to her.  Then, there was "My Give a Damn's Busted" where the woman is singing to her ex about much she no longer cares.  Next came Kelly Clarkson singing to "Mr. Know it All", her ex that was very controlling towards her.  Then she sang, "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" where she was telling her ex that she is stronger since their relationship ended. 

 

I was singing that last song in the car... "Think you got the best of me, think you've had the last laugh..." and I suddenly stopped myself and said out loud, "I'M NOT SINGING TO YOU ANY MORE!" All this time, all these songs, I've been wasting my breath singing to my ex.  I'm not dismissing the fact that these songs were therapeutic for me, and they helped me get through a lot of garbage, but suddenly I got to another stage - no more sining to my ex.

 

The freedom that came with that revelation has been immensely healing for me.  It is amazing to recognize that another piece of the control has been broken and I'm even more 'me' than I was a few days ago.

Walking Away & Walking Towards

 

Walking away from an abusive situation is not the easiest thing to do.  I finally walked away just over 2 years ago, from an abusive relationship that had been going on for 11 years.  I thought that I was too weak to carry on.  I was degraded so much that I didn't see any worth or value in myself, and I felt like I had no more strength.  I was so tired of fighting, living in fear, and walking on eggshells every moment of every day.  I finally realized, from some far recess of my soul, that what was happening to me and my children was wrong - and that we, as a human beings created by God, deserve to be loved the way that Christ loved the church when He gave up His life for her.  The day I walked away was the first day in a long time that I felt I had the tiniest bit of value.

That's when the journey started and I started walking towards wholeness.

Avon Against Domestic Violence

This summer, the Avon item for their Speak Out Against Domestic Violence campaign was this necklace:

I bought one for myself and one for my daughter.  I explained to her what it was all about... 

She hasn't taken hers off yet.

Two Years

It's hard to believe that another year has passed - another year that I have been free and that the kids have been abuse free.

If I had to label the first year of being out, I would call it 'Survival and Adaptation'.  The second year, however, I would call 'Moving On'. Since last June, I have:

-  completed 2 semesters of the Social Service Worker program and finished with a GPA of 4.0 as well as the 'with distinction' title.
- moved into a different house
- met a very sweet guy that I've become good friends with
- bought my own car
- stood up to my ex on many occasions when dealing with the welfare of our children
- planned a trip to our old stomping grounds, where I'll face friends and aquaintances - most of which I haven't even talked to since we moved away
- developed better relationships with the kiddies where we talk about pretty much everything
- become stronger and stronger every single day.  So have the kids.

I am excited to see what the next year holds.  I know that two of those things will be finishing up my diploma and moving to a new town, but I am anticipating the unexpected things that God is going to put in our paths and bring us joy.

Good Samaritian

I was the one beaten and left for dead on the side of the road...

The abuse had been taking place for years before I finally got up the nerve to actually tell someone, straight out, that my ex was 'abusive'.  And, like the priest that walked by on the other side, the someone I told also did nothing.

About a year later, while I was still beaten down, I told someone else.  And, like the Levite, they too passed by on the other side. In fact, they tried to pawn me off to someone else.

Then, since I received no help, I left the relationship on my own. A separation to try to make things better. Things were better after we reunited, but only for a short time.

Finally, my Good Samaritian saw me beaten down, gave me the strength I didn't have on my own to get the kids and I out, and stay out. Once I was picked up off the ground, I was able to find healing and learn that no one has the right to hit me, yell at me, swear at me, belittle me, or coerce me.

I'm not beaten down, bleeding out on the ground anymore.

I was helped up.

If someone tells you they are being abused, don't leave them laying on the ground bleeding out. Be their Good Samaritian and help them out of a deadly situation.