Check out my new webpage at www.TheCarDoor.ca

If you were directed here from my new site, this blog is about my journey up to this point.  It will give you some of my history and some "ah-ha" moments that I had on my road thus far.

Survivor

FIVE POINT FIVE YEARS ago I added another distinction to my title... Survivor.

As incredibly difficult as it was to live in domestic violence for 11 years, those years helped shape me in to the person I am today. Because I was beat up, I now deeply understand the healing of a loving touch. Because I was told I am worthless, I now consistently strive to find my value in the person God tells me I am. Because I was constantly manipulated, I now choose to be straight-forward and honest. Because I was told I would never be anything, I chose to prove to myself I could, and I now have a career and job I love. 

"Even though you intended to harm me, God intended it only for good..." Genesis 50:20.

And, the good continues. 

Five Years of Freedom

Today marks 5 years of choosing for myself after 11 years of my choices being made for me. I choose to not be the subject of someone else's anger and violence. I choose to stand up for myself and my children. I choose to believe that I am worth fighting for. I choose to take back what is mine - my life. 

And, I have continued to make choices for the benefit of myself and the kids ever since. 

Five years of making my own choices without the fear of unbearable repercussions. 

I now choose my own path. 

I have grown.  Cailyn has blossomed. Kaden has matured.

My life path is now one that I can be proud of. One that I AM proud of.

Thank you to everyone to helped us along the way. Your support encourages us to continue walking in freedom.

Taking Back What's Mine

It's been almost 5 years since I left an abusive marriage. I now have far more good days than bad days, but once in a while a bad day happens.  Today is one of those days. 

Today I realized there is still a part of me that I am allowing him to hold onto. And, the part that he has is what is holding me back. 

Well, no more. I am doing myself such an injustice and disservice to allow him to keep any part of me. Katy Perry inspired me today to take back all of me. He doesn't get to keep me. Not one, single piece. 

"You took my light, you drain me down

But that was then and this is now

Now look at me.

Now look at me, I'm sparking

A firework, a dancing flame

You won't ever put me out again.

You can keep everything, except for ME."

While I am not going into the Battle field like Katy Perry did in this video, I am going into the Law field. I am putting my whole effort into it. This career is something that he will never, ever take away from me. 

I am taking back what's mine, and I'm not letting him hold me back any longer. 

Will It Ever End?

I am really frustrated today. It's been 4.5 years and he still hasn't stopped being an abuser. He lives thousands of miles from the kids and I, yet he still manipulates and tries to control things.

 

He sent me an email the other day saying he's "Done".  He wrote that he will never bother the kids again; that he'll never send them money or gifts. Basically, that he is completely done and abandoning them. 

 

Like always, he blames this whole thing on me. He called me a "so called Christian" and mentioned how proud God must be of me for turning the kids against their Dad.

 

But, I don't accept his blame.

 

He did this all by himself.

 

I don't really care about what he says about me. I don't care what he thinks of me. Nothing he says about me bothers me. I don't accept any of it.

 

I do care how it makes the kids feel. He sent a similar message to C. She came out crying. She is upset. She was excited about going out there for Christmas and about seeing the new baby when he/she arrives (his gf is pregnant). She couldn't wait to be a part of her new siblings life. 

 

He took that from her and stomped all over it.

 

So, like I said, will it ever end??

Update

 

Every year, every month, every week, every day, and often every hour, this is what I tell myself. Eyes front. Look forward. Decide who I want to be. Decide what I want to do. Decide what is right for me.

 

Here's a little of what I am up to these days:

 

1. I am managing a Portrait Studio.

2. I am going to College in the fall to become a Paralegal.

3. I am writing a 2 book series about my experience with Domestic Violence and how I got out.

 

I am excited about where my life is right now. I have taken control of my life and I've DECIDED ... for me.

 

I'll be more consistent with my blogging here as I write my books and find tidbits I want to share. Thank you all for your support!!

A Real Person

When this picture popped up on my Facebook newsfeed, it struck me right between the eyes.  How many years have I wondered what I did to somehow provoke or encourage him to be angry at me regardless of what I said or did. I wondered how expressing my opinion could make him so upset.  It took only a short length of time for me to no longer be a real person. With each harmful word and each act of abuse, the real me regressed deeper and deeper inside until "I" no longer existed.

 

Getting ME back is a daily decision that I am worth saving. I am worth getting back. Who I was designed to be, with all my personality and characteristics, is worth resurrecting. I choose every day to allow more and more of me to surface. I am discovering that I have traits that I like!

 

I AM a real person and I will never let ME disappear again.

Relationships

I feel like it's time for me to get back into the relationship thing. It's been long enough, and I've put my love life on hold while I was healing and while I was aiding the children in their healing process. I don't miss what I had when I was married, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I do want someone to share my life with. My next relationship will be very different from what I had because I know so much more about myself and love than when I was 19 years old.

 

Now I will enter a relationship with my eyes wide open. My choices will be very different than the way I did things before. People may or may not like what I choose, but that is okay because I have learned that I am in control of myself and my life. I have the right to choose for myself, even if others don't agree. I will not be controlled again.

 

So, cheers to myself for taking the next step in my healing and choosing to have relationships.

3 Years and No More Counting

June 10th was the 3rd anniversary of my freedom. And, I've never felt better.

 

I graduated with honors from the Social Service Worker program in May of this year.  Since then, I packed up our house and moved us 1800kms to a new home - a new start, a new job, a new life.

 

I have officially left the past behind, physically and mentally.

 

I am stronger. Day by day I am getting my voice back. Day by day I am regaining my confidence. I had no idea just how depleted my confidence was until I moved here and started looking for, and going to interviews for jobs. I realized that I still have a low self esteem from the years of being called down to the dirt. But, I am working on it and becoming stronger every day.

 

I watched a sermon from Pastor Craig Groechsel yesterday and it began a life changing mind renewal for me. It is about feelings of inadequacy. I watched it twice and cried both times. It is a sermon that I want to watch every single day until I completely believe it.

 

You can find the sermon at http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/altar-ego/1. It is absolutely worth watching.

 

Getting out of an abusive relationship, finding healing for self and children and moving on to a new life is a lot of work. It has taken me until this very moment to be able to say, it was a courageous move and I am a strong woman.

 

I will not count any more years since leaving. Starting this month, I have began to count the years that I have started this new life with my children. For the first time ever, I can actually say that I am proud of myself.

No Talking Back

I wasn't "allowed" to talk back. I lived in silence for years unable to express my opinions or rationale for doing or not doing something. When I was told to shut up, it was in my best interest to do so because it was easier to be quiet than to deal with that would come next if I didn't keep quiet.

 

To this day, almost three years after getting out of that silence, I still have trouble expressing myself, my thoughts, my opinions, and even my like or dislikes.

 

I still get stomach sick when I "talk back" to him. I call it talking back because it's voicing my differing opinion even though he's told me to stop talking. The worse part is not knowing how he is going to respond. In the last email I received from him, he called me "selfish" and "manipulative" and told me not to contact him again. So, I didn't. Then I realized that he is still controlling me, and I am still letting him.

 

I did reply, last night. I was assertive, but not mean. I haven't heard back from him yet and my stomach is in knots because I don't know what he's going to say. I know that I shouldn't care, but I still have a certain level of fear... even though I know he can't punch me from 1,319.5 kms away.

 

I'm further ahead than I was and I still have distance to go, but I'm headed in the right direction - and that's always a good thing.

No More Singing

I had a revelation when I was driving the other day and it completely turned my world around...

 

Ever since I got away from my abusive spouse, I sang songs that I identfied with about the situation I found myself in. It started with the song, "According to You" with a girl singing to her ex about how mean he used to be to her.  Then, there was "My Give a Damn's Busted" where the woman is singing to her ex about much she no longer cares.  Next came Kelly Clarkson singing to "Mr. Know it All", her ex that was very controlling towards her.  Then she sang, "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" where she was telling her ex that she is stronger since their relationship ended. 

 

I was singing that last song in the car... "Think you got the best of me, think you've had the last laugh..." and I suddenly stopped myself and said out loud, "I'M NOT SINGING TO YOU ANY MORE!" All this time, all these songs, I've been wasting my breath singing to my ex.  I'm not dismissing the fact that these songs were therapeutic for me, and they helped me get through a lot of garbage, but suddenly I got to another stage - no more sining to my ex.

 

The freedom that came with that revelation has been immensely healing for me.  It is amazing to recognize that another piece of the control has been broken and I'm even more 'me' than I was a few days ago.

Walking Away & Walking Towards

 

Walking away from an abusive situation is not the easiest thing to do.  I finally walked away just over 2 years ago, from an abusive relationship that had been going on for 11 years.  I thought that I was too weak to carry on.  I was degraded so much that I didn't see any worth or value in myself, and I felt like I had no more strength.  I was so tired of fighting, living in fear, and walking on eggshells every moment of every day.  I finally realized, from some far recess of my soul, that what was happening to me and my children was wrong - and that we, as a human beings created by God, deserve to be loved the way that Christ loved the church when He gave up His life for her.  The day I walked away was the first day in a long time that I felt I had the tiniest bit of value.

That's when the journey started and I started walking towards wholeness.

Avon Against Domestic Violence

This summer, the Avon item for their Speak Out Against Domestic Violence campaign was this necklace:

I bought one for myself and one for my daughter.  I explained to her what it was all about... 

She hasn't taken hers off yet.

Two Years

It's hard to believe that another year has passed - another year that I have been free and that the kids have been abuse free.

If I had to label the first year of being out, I would call it 'Survival and Adaptation'.  The second year, however, I would call 'Moving On'. Since last June, I have:

-  completed 2 semesters of the Social Service Worker program and finished with a GPA of 4.0 as well as the 'with distinction' title.
- moved into a different house
- met a very sweet guy that I've become good friends with
- bought my own car
- stood up to my ex on many occasions when dealing with the welfare of our children
- planned a trip to our old stomping grounds, where I'll face friends and aquaintances - most of which I haven't even talked to since we moved away
- developed better relationships with the kiddies where we talk about pretty much everything
- become stronger and stronger every single day.  So have the kids.

I am excited to see what the next year holds.  I know that two of those things will be finishing up my diploma and moving to a new town, but I am anticipating the unexpected things that God is going to put in our paths and bring us joy.

Good Samaritian

I was the one beaten and left for dead on the side of the road...

The abuse had been taking place for years before I finally got up the nerve to actually tell someone, straight out, that my ex was 'abusive'.  And, like the priest that walked by on the other side, the someone I told also did nothing.

About a year later, while I was still beaten down, I told someone else.  And, like the Levite, they too passed by on the other side. In fact, they tried to pawn me off to someone else.

Then, since I received no help, I left the relationship on my own. A separation to try to make things better. Things were better after we reunited, but only for a short time.

Finally, my Good Samaritian saw me beaten down, gave me the strength I didn't have on my own to get the kids and I out, and stay out. Once I was picked up off the ground, I was able to find healing and learn that no one has the right to hit me, yell at me, swear at me, belittle me, or coerce me.

I'm not beaten down, bleeding out on the ground anymore.

I was helped up.

If someone tells you they are being abused, don't leave them laying on the ground bleeding out. Be their Good Samaritian and help them out of a deadly situation.

Broken Girl

This is a song by Matthew West.  I just heard it for the first time and totally appreciated it.  I would have imbeded the video but for some reason it just wouldn't work.  I very much recommend you watching it.

http://youtu.be/9X6h6QiFqi4