Five Years of Freedom

Today marks 5 years of choosing for myself after 11 years of my choices being made for me. I choose to not be the subject of someone else's anger and violence. I choose to stand up for myself and my children. I choose to believe that I am worth fighting for. I choose to take back what is mine - my life. 

And, I have continued to make choices for the benefit of myself and the kids ever since. 

Five years of making my own choices without the fear of unbearable repercussions. 

I now choose my own path. 

I have grown.  Cailyn has blossomed. Kaden has matured.

My life path is now one that I can be proud of. One that I AM proud of.

Thank you to everyone to helped us along the way. Your support encourages us to continue walking in freedom.

Taking Back What's Mine

It's been almost 5 years since I left an abusive marriage. I now have far more good days than bad days, but once in a while a bad day happens.  Today is one of those days. 

Today I realized there is still a part of me that I am allowing him to hold onto. And, the part that he has is what is holding me back. 

Well, no more. I am doing myself such an injustice and disservice to allow him to keep any part of me. Katy Perry inspired me today to take back all of me. He doesn't get to keep me. Not one, single piece. 

"You took my light, you drain me down

But that was then and this is now

Now look at me.

Now look at me, I'm sparking

A firework, a dancing flame

You won't ever put me out again.

You can keep everything, except for ME."

While I am not going into the Battle field like Katy Perry did in this video, I am going into the Law field. I am putting my whole effort into it. This career is something that he will never, ever take away from me. 

I am taking back what's mine, and I'm not letting him hold me back any longer. 

Will It Ever End?

I am really frustrated today. It's been 4.5 years and he still hasn't stopped being an abuser. He lives thousands of miles from the kids and I, yet he still manipulates and tries to control things.

 

He sent me an email the other day saying he's "Done".  He wrote that he will never bother the kids again; that he'll never send them money or gifts. Basically, that he is completely done and abandoning them. 

 

Like always, he blames this whole thing on me. He called me a "so called Christian" and mentioned how proud God must be of me for turning the kids against their Dad.

 

But, I don't accept his blame.

 

He did this all by himself.

 

I don't really care about what he says about me. I don't care what he thinks of me. Nothing he says about me bothers me. I don't accept any of it.

 

I do care how it makes the kids feel. He sent a similar message to C. She came out crying. She is upset. She was excited about going out there for Christmas and about seeing the new baby when he/she arrives (his gf is pregnant). She couldn't wait to be a part of her new siblings life. 

 

He took that from her and stomped all over it.

 

So, like I said, will it ever end??

Update

 

Every year, every month, every week, every day, and often every hour, this is what I tell myself. Eyes front. Look forward. Decide who I want to be. Decide what I want to do. Decide what is right for me.

 

Here's a little of what I am up to these days:

 

1. I am managing a Portrait Studio.

2. I am going to College in the fall to become a Paralegal.

3. I am writing a 2 book series about my experience with Domestic Violence and how I got out.

 

I am excited about where my life is right now. I have taken control of my life and I've DECIDED ... for me.

 

I'll be more consistent with my blogging here as I write my books and find tidbits I want to share. Thank you all for your support!!

A Real Person

When this picture popped up on my Facebook newsfeed, it struck me right between the eyes.  How many years have I wondered what I did to somehow provoke or encourage him to be angry at me regardless of what I said or did. I wondered how expressing my opinion could make him so upset.  It took only a short length of time for me to no longer be a real person. With each harmful word and each act of abuse, the real me regressed deeper and deeper inside until "I" no longer existed.

 

Getting ME back is a daily decision that I am worth saving. I am worth getting back. Who I was designed to be, with all my personality and characteristics, is worth resurrecting. I choose every day to allow more and more of me to surface. I am discovering that I have traits that I like!

 

I AM a real person and I will never let ME disappear again.

Relationships

I feel like it's time for me to get back into the relationship thing. It's been long enough, and I've put my love life on hold while I was healing and while I was aiding the children in their healing process. I don't miss what I had when I was married, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I do want someone to share my life with. My next relationship will be very different from what I had because I know so much more about myself and love than when I was 19 years old.

 

Now I will enter a relationship with my eyes wide open. My choices will be very different than the way I did things before. People may or may not like what I choose, but that is okay because I have learned that I am in control of myself and my life. I have the right to choose for myself, even if others don't agree. I will not be controlled again.

 

So, cheers to myself for taking the next step in my healing and choosing to have relationships.

3 Years and No More Counting

June 10th was the 3rd anniversary of my freedom. And, I've never felt better.

 

I graduated with honors from the Social Service Worker program in May of this year.  Since then, I packed up our house and moved us 1800kms to a new home - a new start, a new job, a new life.

 

I have officially left the past behind, physically and mentally.

 

I am stronger. Day by day I am getting my voice back. Day by day I am regaining my confidence. I had no idea just how depleted my confidence was until I moved here and started looking for, and going to interviews for jobs. I realized that I still have a low self esteem from the years of being called down to the dirt. But, I am working on it and becoming stronger every day.

 

I watched a sermon from Pastor Craig Groechsel yesterday and it began a life changing mind renewal for me. It is about feelings of inadequacy. I watched it twice and cried both times. It is a sermon that I want to watch every single day until I completely believe it.

 

You can find the sermon at http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/altar-ego/1. It is absolutely worth watching.

 

Getting out of an abusive relationship, finding healing for self and children and moving on to a new life is a lot of work. It has taken me until this very moment to be able to say, it was a courageous move and I am a strong woman.

 

I will not count any more years since leaving. Starting this month, I have began to count the years that I have started this new life with my children. For the first time ever, I can actually say that I am proud of myself.